31 May If only one hand claps, is there a sound?

When there are 2 in a relationship, but only one appears interested in couples counseling, is it possible to see change in the marriage?  It probably makes you a little crazy that you care so much, but feel you are not getting enough interest in making improvements.  Afterall, you BOTH are probably very interested in getting that new Bathroom Remodel right.  You BOTH want a new car you each could love…. Yet, there is a struggle to get “both hands clapping” for an opportunity to make some positive change relationally.

I have seen many times over many years how getting one person into a quality therapy process has become the start of a beautiful reimagination of relationship.  Most recently I was hearing from a client how she was terribly frustrated with her husband not showing any real interest in couples work, even though they had discussed it somewhat in the past.  When push came to shove, he just found a way to decline – often for work related reasons, or business issues or just feeling too overwhelmed.  

You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.

However, you can make him thirsty.  Thirsty is good, and in our particular circumstance, we were able to eventually build up to a point where that thirst needed quenching.  Let me tell you how we did it.  First, we started couples counseling with just one partner (the one hand).  We identified what feelings and issues left her feeling stuck in an ongoing loop.  Then we found a way to address issues about what else is true in the relationship – from a positive point of view.  Turns out there were many things that were “right” about the relationship.  Aside from being able to feel a little better about things relationally, we then were able to devise fun and loving ways of sharing these appreciations of each other – WITH each other at home and while out and about.  Gradually, interest was raised, if initially simply out of curiosity.  Why now? Where did these topics and positivity and presence of mind to share little, but important, affirmations come from?  This then provided opportunities to describe, albeit gently at first, how the therapy process has been making things a little more understandable and hopeful.  I could tell that he was perceiving an effort that was sincere and that felt good.  Gradually, he began to engage on a similar level and eventually indicated an interest to consider the couple therapy process.  Not surprisingly, the husband said he just felt it would be too difficult to do a session every week because his schedule was so crazy and changed at a moment’s notice.  You can imagine how excited we were to find that the Couples Intensive approach, in this case over a two-day period, made sense because they could really set aside time, much as one would for a weekend vacation.

It is not unreasonable to expect the unexpected

Not only did it help dramatically to have one member of the marriage enter couples therapy alone, it led to the two of them really engaging in a loving and meaningful way to make their life together even better.  They have since completed three couples intensives over the course of about a year.  They say it was one of the best decisions they could have made – and I’m really proud of their growth.  They have friends who have just recently scheduled a couples intensive with me.  I applaud them, even if it started with just one hand clapping.