27 Aug The Shame Game

What is shame, and where did it come from?  It can be so powerful – to point of debilitating us.  It can lurk almost anywhere and show itself at any time.  Shame can affect how we see ourselves and how we feel about ourselves at a very core level.  Our sense of self worth and acceptability, even how much we feel we are loveable can be dramatically affected by this very powerful feeling.  

For some people carrying as sense of shame, they will avoid others and wish not to be engaged socially, or they will shy away from others because they are in so much pain.  When we are young, we give birth to our sense of shame… shame is often built upon false beliefs about ourselves and others.  We are often not even aware shame operates within us, but the effects can be deep and profound.  

Carrying around a profound sense of shame allows powerful, but untrue, stories about ourselves and others to influence us.  If that wasn’t enough, we often don’t even know we harbor these beliefs – yet they are “core” to our internal self-image.  They may present themselves as depression, a sense of worthlessness, distrust in others and the like.

We can reduce our sense of shame by grounding ourselves

• First, think hard about what really helps you to calm down and relax.  Generate a list of these actions and refer to them regularly – This is a way to establish a resource for yourself (Self-care)
• Consider carefully who in your family and social circles can be supportive of you.  Are there support groups perhaps?  Check in with them regularly.
• Establish a self-sanctuary, a specific place that tends to be a calming space.  It could in a park, inside or outside your house – a little nook where you can retreat and chill.
• Build in your mind a safe and comfortable sanctuary: a visualization that is friendly when you close your eyes and breathe.  Maybe it is a forest, or an ocean after a storm, or???

Stay Aware

Recognize when you are criticizing, degrading or blaming others, as these are generally symptoms common to someone holding a sense of shame – this is a common defense mechanism.  Stop and reflect on it.  Were you out of line?  Was it justified?  How did I feel when I did it?  What do I want to be like as an adult?

If you feel shame, or suspect it is part of your daily functioning, you might just be surprised at how effective quality therapy can be in alleviating it.  We can help.